If you want to make it in this game, you gotta have the luck, you've gotta have the look.

I've been thinking lately about what it means to belong, and why I seemingly can't belong in this town.


To be in the "cool" set here, you have to be out every night, at shows, in bars. You have to have money. Furthermore, you have to put yourself out there. You have to put up with assholes and know the right people. And you have to worm your way in. Constantly. Maybe after several years, they'll accept you as one of their own. I used to want that, so badly, to finally be in the cool kid crowd. I knew I wasn't going to get there by being rich, I'm never going to be terribly bourgeouise (I wanted to at one point, but I think it's time I faced reality), but hey, I'm clever, I'm decent looking, I thought it could happen.



But at the end of the day, I'm a misanthropist. I don't like most people. I don't have the time to put myself out there, and I'm not naturally an extrovert. I want to be accepted and loved with no strings attached. The "popular" people won't give me that. Hell, the nerds won't even give me that. And so, I'll probably always be a fringe character in any given scene.



I have standards for friendship. High ones. If you are stupid, I'm sorry, but I'm just not interested. I am disgusted by a lot of people. I'm disgusted by the ones who think they can buy me for a few shillings and discard me when I'm no longer of use. I hate superficial people who want to go on about their money and boobs. These people are not just disgusting, they're downright rude. I'm tired of people who have been given the world and want to tell me about all their 'hard work'. I'm disgusted by the apathetic, those who can't bother to give a fuck.


Of course, things aren't much better, with the working poor. Uneducated, no DESIRE to be educated. Or super religious or something else off about them. I don't know who my people are, but there are very few of them, it seems. So I mostly stay alone. Maybe that aloofness is intriguing. Probably not. As much as I'd like to think that I'm watched and secretly admired, I'm quite certain that it's not the case.

I'm used to doing things alone. Going to the movies, going to rock shows, eating out. I've learned that I don't need companionship. I was in France for five months basically alone- I had friends in my group out of necessity, and now that we've parted, it's clear that there was nothing between us in the first place, really. I don't like doing it alone, but sometimes it's easier that way than trying to pretend with people you hate, or trying to hunt down reluctant friends. Sometimes it's all you can do. Sometimes it has to be enough.