Disappointment After Disappointment.

Yeah, I guess I'm ashamed. But mostly disappointed. Disappointed that I've whored myself out to anyone in this town I thought could help me get somewhere, help me be something. Knowing that connections are everything, trying to make friends, thinking if only I could know the right guy, then maybe I could be on my way to something better. Of course, here I am, with nothing at all to show for it. All those promises are gone, and I'm stuck in the ruins of the life I'd thought I'd have by now. I don't know anyone worth knowing. Those that are hate me now, for expecting something in exchange. For them to actually care about what became of me, for them to want me again.

I finally made it up here, thinking I was finally going to find friends, a great job, finally going to grow up. Five months later, it looks like I need to start packing up and heading home. Call it quits. Everyone I know loses everything the moment they meet me. Promises mean nothing. I have less than I started with. I can't afford rent in this town. I have no safety net, no friends who give a fuck, or could help me even if they did.

Looks like I'm not going to be something, not ever. He pats himself on the back for all he's accomplished, refusing to note that it was all because of the company he kept, company that he's never introduced me to. Yes, all his "hard work" couldn't help me find a job. It couldn't even afford to pay the rent.


Now I slave for minimum wage in this town, where minimum wage isn't enough to wipe your toilet bowl with. Now my hours are cut and I have no other options. There are no job openings for kids with too much education and no experience. I am unnecessary, of course I always have been. Guess it's time to finally take the hint. There is no knight in shining armor. Just this fucked up world that picks and chooses favorites, and nothing you can do will make you exceptional, not by a long shot. Accept your lot in life, live out your fate. Maybe this is a sign that I was meant for Lewis County after all, for some dolt from the local High School, for mediocrity. For working too hard for too little, for lower middle class angst.


Makes you wonder what the point of living at all is, at least for someone with my sensibilities. There is no bright side to my life; that was beat out of me long ago. The fact that you can hold onto your optimism is your own luck talking. Don't tell me my attitude has anything to do with the cold hard facts.


I don't know where to go. There's nothing I seemingly can do. So I guess I just wait to die, wait for the cards to fall, for the inevitable. Wait for my whole world to fall apart.